Shoebox. Cancer. Shit. Goddammit. Stupid cracker. Fuck you.

These are my tics. Shoebox has a funny origin, cancer does not. Do I have Tourette's? Not so much, I guess. I don't usually tic in front of people. Not yet, anyway. But I'm full of anxiety and worries and when they peak, I tic. Fatigue makes it worse. Not exercising makes it worse. Knitting makes it worse, as I get more and more tense in the neck and shoulders. I can't seem to find my way out of it yet. Can't find any task mindless enough to start and work my way to the hard ones. The house is a mess, my office is a mess, the Park is a mess. Big visit scheduled so far in advance great things were possible, but no longer. I'm stuck, have been stuck and no idea when I'll get unstuck. Frozen. I knit, I watch stuff, I surf the 'net, I read. No work. No laundry, cooking, dishes, sweeping. No parenting. Lots of videos and dvds. Too tense to cry, no place to do it anyway. Keep thinking about therapy, counseling. AS IF. Done it so much I have a committee of counselors in my head, full of sympathy, platitudes, helpfulness and all the true things they never say. What do they really see? If I knew would I be able to fix it? Lazy? Deluded? Narcissistic? Average? Not average, please. Can they see what I'm really afraid of? Would it kill them to fucking tell me? Would a new one be any different? Better? I'm trying to figure it out. What I'm afraid of so far: Being average. Being seen as average. Being seen as mean, hurtful, thoughtless, selfish. Being hated, by anyone. Being/looking like any type I despise. Fat, cheap, ignorant. Being seen as someone with all these fears. Being seen as someone who wants to look intelligent. Being seen as low class. Being pitied. I used to think I was so smart, so intelligent, so educated. Now look at me. Hanging on to my hard won knowledge like any loser. Maybe its the same old problem--I'm too judgmental and in fairness turn my judgment on myself and it hurts. I do myself major harm. I do others harm. That's not a fear, it's a fact. I do others harm. I'm wrong so often, mostly led by my fears, I have made serious judgment errors. I don't know what to do.