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Anything to make that stupid Dayquil letter go further down the page.

So ... how are you? ... great, great. Ya, I'm good. Doing much better than before, further and further from the Zoloft withdrawals. No, still not taking anything. Road rage? Oh yeah, that was bad, wasn't it.....well, I still get pretty unreasonable about tailgaters and those who Refuse To Use Directionals, but I talk to myself a little more productively these days and can usually get calm, find room to think. I remembered recently that there are signals to tell someone they are following too closely. They sort of work.
In fact, I came up against all my driving fears the other day. Planning a daytrip for last Saturday I put myself into a spiral of craziness and anxiety that I couldn't pull out of until I was yelling and throwing things and realized I was about to crash. Visions of terrible things that can happen while driving far from home gallop through my brain and they are so fast and familiar I'm barely conscious of them. Like a dream, I can't remember much either, except vignettes of fatal crashes, car trouble I can't afford, scary men offering to help, poverty, homelessness. That's it right there. I'm worried we won't make it back home. Turns out, I do this every time I have to drive long distances without Curtis. I went on Zoloft when 20 minutes became too far, too long to drive without such severe anxiety that I couldn't bear to watch. Yeah. I couldn't bear to watch WHILE DRIVING. That is a personal definition of crazy for me.
Luckily, I'm not having that particular difficulty right now. I can watch the road, find my way, listen to music or audio books, talk with my kids, share snacks... in fact, we did pretty damn good on Saturday. It was the drive itself that gave me time to figure out why the idea that was so appealing at first became a panicked frenzy for me as we loaded up the final necessities and I had to get behind the wheel and go. Curtis was stoic, as I screamed at him about stupid shit, giving me room to see myself and what I was doing... and I figured out what I need to be able to go places, with or without Curtis and not get crazy. These are the things that made this most recent attempt work:

1. No children under 3
2. Money in the bank*
3. Driving the route of my choosing, even if it seemed impractical and I can hear my dad lecturing me about it all the way. I hate I-80 and I-5 and that is a reasonable way to feel.

#2 is flexible. I don't always have money, but I do have family and friends who would help me if I needed it. It sure feels good though, knowing I can pay for repairs, get a room if I can't go any further, and feed myself and the kids as often as necessary. I seem to spend less when I feel safe, too.

Where shall we go next?