Shoebox. Cancer. Shit. Goddammit. Stupid cracker. Fuck you.

These are my tics. Shoebox has a funny origin, cancer does not. Do I have Tourette's? Not so much, I guess. I don't usually tic in front of people. Not yet, anyway. But I'm full of anxiety and worries and when they peak, I tic. Fatigue makes it worse. Not exercising makes it worse. Knitting makes it worse, as I get more and more tense in the neck and shoulders. I can't seem to find my way out of it yet. Can't find any task mindless enough to start and work my way to the hard ones. The house is a mess, my office is a mess, the Park is a mess. Big visit scheduled so far in advance great things were possible, but no longer. I'm stuck, have been stuck and no idea when I'll get unstuck. Frozen. I knit, I watch stuff, I surf the 'net, I read. No work. No laundry, cooking, dishes, sweeping. No parenting. Lots of videos and dvds. Too tense to cry, no place to do it anyway. Keep thinking about therapy, counseling. AS IF. Done it so much I have a committee of counselors in my head, full of sympathy, platitudes, helpfulness and all the true things they never say. What do they really see? If I knew would I be able to fix it? Lazy? Deluded? Narcissistic? Average? Not average, please. Can they see what I'm really afraid of? Would it kill them to fucking tell me? Would a new one be any different? Better? I'm trying to figure it out. What I'm afraid of so far: Being average. Being seen as average. Being seen as mean, hurtful, thoughtless, selfish. Being hated, by anyone. Being/looking like any type I despise. Fat, cheap, ignorant. Being seen as someone with all these fears. Being seen as someone who wants to look intelligent. Being seen as low class. Being pitied. I used to think I was so smart, so intelligent, so educated. Now look at me. Hanging on to my hard won knowledge like any loser. Maybe its the same old problem--I'm too judgmental and in fairness turn my judgment on myself and it hurts. I do myself major harm. I do others harm. That's not a fear, it's a fact. I do others harm. I'm wrong so often, mostly led by my fears, I have made serious judgment errors. I don't know what to do.

What I left out of my post to the unschoolers list

I think my biggest worry is that I made a mistake. It’s really hard for me to stay engaged with my kids and see an idea or interest all the way through. I don’t expect every off hand question and exploration to lead to a major project or thesis, but I think sometimes I kill an idea before it’s born, just like my parents did. Because I’m tired. Because I have no notion how to proceed. Because it seems like work and I don’t want to do anymore WORK. Because I’m not used to
follow thru. I’m a product of a public education and working class divorced parents. I often find myself wondering how others do it. Sometimes I tell myself it’s the job, other times I think it’s me and I don’t know how to begin to fix that. I repeatedly come to the conclusion that I need support, which I’m seeking, and involvement (can’t make it to the HSC conference again) and more books (stopped reading about homeschooling a long time ago…) and then I realize that I need to know that someone coming from as bad a starting point as I am has actually made it. Someone with no degree, doing a job that has little to do with her heart or inclinations, from a background that doesn’t breed much success. And then I need to know how they did it. How did they get past the urge to just play spider all day? Or read a novel? Or let the kids watch videos all day. How did they . . . and then I remember I’m doing it. It sucks and I tear myself up over it all the time, but I’m doing it. My kids may not get to Harvard or Stanford but Lucie can read better than I could at 6. Probably better than I could at 8 and I was considered smart. James has a stronger sense of self than I have ever had… and that makes me remember I’m not doing this alone. James’ dad gives him so much I can’t. Curtis is a great husband and father and he gives them his complete down-on-the-floor attention as often as possible.