What I left out of my post to the unschoolers list

I think my biggest worry is that I made a mistake. It’s really hard for me to stay engaged with my kids and see an idea or interest all the way through. I don’t expect every off hand question and exploration to lead to a major project or thesis, but I think sometimes I kill an idea before it’s born, just like my parents did. Because I’m tired. Because I have no notion how to proceed. Because it seems like work and I don’t want to do anymore WORK. Because I’m not used to
follow thru. I’m a product of a public education and working class divorced parents. I often find myself wondering how others do it. Sometimes I tell myself it’s the job, other times I think it’s me and I don’t know how to begin to fix that. I repeatedly come to the conclusion that I need support, which I’m seeking, and involvement (can’t make it to the HSC conference again) and more books (stopped reading about homeschooling a long time ago…) and then I realize that I need to know that someone coming from as bad a starting point as I am has actually made it. Someone with no degree, doing a job that has little to do with her heart or inclinations, from a background that doesn’t breed much success. And then I need to know how they did it. How did they get past the urge to just play spider all day? Or read a novel? Or let the kids watch videos all day. How did they . . . and then I remember I’m doing it. It sucks and I tear myself up over it all the time, but I’m doing it. My kids may not get to Harvard or Stanford but Lucie can read better than I could at 6. Probably better than I could at 8 and I was considered smart. James has a stronger sense of self than I have ever had… and that makes me remember I’m not doing this alone. James’ dad gives him so much I can’t. Curtis is a great husband and father and he gives them his complete down-on-the-floor attention as often as possible.